Today my life changed. This was brought about by some of my very good friends and my even better husband. For the past month or so I have been a blob. I have not been happy and I have not been myself. I have cried at the drop of a hat (or anything for that matter!) and I have bit everyone's head off in sight and everything and anything have gotten to me. I've not talked to anyone about it because I've always "prided" myself on being strong and independent and able to handle any and all situations on my own and in a "timely" fashion regardless of the life circumstances that come along. Until...
Last month my oldest son got married. He's 19, and I'm 41. He's always been a model kid. In fact, when I wrote a letter to him on his wedding day I realized that he had not really dissappointed us ever, not even once. He's been such a joy to raise that I don't even feel as though we truly raised him. From the age of 4 I believe that God has had a plan for his life and He took over raising him from that point. I don't have any other logical answer for why he's such a great man. But anyway... So he got married last month and I didn't realize how hard the change would be for me. I have a 17 year old and a 10 year old and I truly thought and said over and over again how hard this was going to be for them because they were all so close. We were/are so close. My little one slept in his big brother's room every night and they watched the Discovery Channel and I truly thought it was going to rip his heart out when Luke moved out and it did, but only for a short time-maybe a day! Little kids are so risilient! I was shocked. Then my 17 year old...but only for a short time and now he's got a new friend and has been busy losing jobs and working out (another blog).
So I don't get it. What happened to me being strong and able to move on and enjoy the new phase of my life? Our bill would be less (car insurance only $600 a month now) and cell phone bill in HIS name, no more wedding preparation (I actually enjoyed this) and a spare bedroom for guests. Instant adjustment for me, not so much. Instead, I lay in bed and wait to hear him come in the door after dropping his girlfriend off, or he and his girlfriend bopping into the house all excited about life! It was so much fun seeing them so happy and full of fun about their future together. He was always the last one in the house in the morning and I was always behind him on my way to work in the morning. It's so strange how the most basic things in life can mean so darn much. I truly miss him. I miss them.
So after 4 weeks of moping around, being miserable and sort of sad that Luke & Britt are moving on with their lives together and away from us sort of. Well today a few of my friends asked me what's wrong. I had to hold back my tears as I typed away little bits of my inner hurt to even my closest friends and my husband. Why have I been lashing out? Why have I pulled away? Why have I been so hurt and distraught? I really had a hard time telling them about the changes I've been experiencing, but guess what? Ididn't have to talk at all. I got an email from Britt's mom (the mother of the bride). She asked me if I was having a hard time with the recent separation and change. Finally after holding it all in (I felt like a time bomb) I started to let out a little more with each response, but I really got more out of her responses to me. She's been hurting, crying and experiencing a sort of loss for her baby girl. Wow, her too? I felt so much better after "listening" to her emails. It was like a bucket of cold water suddenly drenched me. I realized that it is NORMAL to feel these things. It's normal for a mother to feel pain when one of her baby chicks flies away. It's okay to feel pain and to even express it to your loved ones.
Today I realized that it is hard to cope with change, but the coping time is the growing time. Like my friend verbalized for me (I've thought it but couldn't say it) it's now a new season for us. We have a chance to grow closer to our other family members, new friends, and our spouses. We've been so wrapped up in wedding planning for almost an entire year that we've lost touch with so many and it's time to give something to them. It's time to change for the better, become stronger and gear up for the next change. Did I mention that my hormones feel like they are totally out of whack??? Hmmm, maybe my next blog will be called "Coping with the Mones!!!"
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